Friendship Boundaries: Level Setting

My friends will tell you that I am the most welcoming person they know. I don’t say that in arrogance, but in complete awareness of myself. You see, there is such a thing as being too welcoming, being too friendly. My “welcoming” personality has gotten me in a lot of trouble. A LOT. I think the worst situation was when I was having a fall festival at my house and I invited some strangers… er acquaintances to my party. They seemed really nice THE ONE OTHER TIME I MET THEM…. Hindsight is so 20/20.

Well……they turned out to be drug-using, advantage-taking, f-bomb dropping people that didn’t leave until midnight when everyone else left at 10:00. That is NOT what I had expected, but honestly, the fault was mine. I did not set appropriate boundaries with them at the start. I can’t tell you how many times this has happened. I have even had multiple people try to move in with me for free. I finally had enough. SO I came up with friendship levels to protect myself from others, but more realistically, to protect myself from myself. They have helped me tremendously and I hope they help you.

Level 1: Strangers and Acquaintances

These are people you do not know at all or barely know. They are not pouring into your life or having deep conversations with you. You are trying to see if these people are compatible with you in order to take your friendship to the next level. These are the people you meet at coffee houses, restaurants, parks, etc. DO NOT invite these people into your home, at least one on one. They have not earned that right yet. As you get to know these people, you can cut ties if needed without too much awkwardness or you can bump them up to Level 2 if things are going well.

Level 2: Outer Friend Group and Mentees

These are the people you are getting to know but don’t know that well yet. They aren’t strangers, but you wouldn’t share your deepest secrets with them yet. Once again, they have not earned that right. These are also people that you may be mentoring or discipling. You might be able to speak into their life, but they may not really be able to reciprocate, so don’t expect it. You can do all the things you would do with a stranger and you can invite them to your house, but you need to make sure the parameters are set. Let them know if they need to bring anything and also let them know how long they can stay. For example, “Would you like to come over and swim around lunchtime? I have to start preparing dinner at 4:00, but you can stay until then.” If they come over and respect your boundaries then you can invite them over again. If they do not respect your boundaries, they go back down to Level 1, meeting at a public place. If they continue along Level 2 and things are going well, you may bump them up to the last level, Level 3.

Level 3: Inner Circle of Friends

These are the people who truly know you, who have Refrigerator Rights. When I say Refrigerator Rights, I mean they could come over, go to your fridge, and get a drink or snack without even asking you. You are that close. You can have hard conversations with each other and are there to lift each other up when you are struggling. These are the people you do life with, vacation with, watch your kids grow with. In a perfect world, your Level 3 friends always stay Level 3, but sometimes life happens and they might slip back down. It happens. They may go back up to Level 3 at some point. Just give it time.

Anyway, I hope this helps you as it has helped me. I have very healthy boundaries when it comes to friendship, and as a result, I have developed some of the best friendships I have ever had in my life. Praying God’s blessings for you!

<3 Heather

The Transforming Power of Words on Your Children

This post is hitting me hard. I have lost it more than a time or two on my kids. Most of the time it was under extreme stress, but that doesn't make it okay. I have learned to be more cautious with words toward my children and I have seen the fruit from it.

As parents, we know all the Bible verses about how children are supposed to obey their parents so they will have a long life and be blessed. However, I think a lot of us tend to skip past Ephesians 6:4 which says, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” I love the amplified version of this. It says, “ Fathers do not provoke your children to anger {do not exasperate them to the point of resentment with demands that are trivial or unreasonable or humiliating or abusive; nor by showing favoritism or indifference to any of them}, but bring them up [tenderly, with loving kindness] in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

Whew! That is a serious calling on parents! Even if we don’t do it intentionally, we may cause our children to feel hurt or damage their confidence or self-esteem by our words and actions. The thing is, we have to check ourselves and humble ourselves and not take lightly when these types of incidents occur.

Our words have the power to make our kids or break our kids. Even though our kids can often be challenging, disrespectful, or make the wrong choices (ummm don’t we as adults do that too?), we are still called as parents to lead them in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. We are called to bring them closer to Jesus, not push them further away. And this goes for the most challenging kid as it does the near-perfect kid.

I have been on both sides of the parenting spectrum. I have a Type A, obedient, driven child who needs little correction. She is now earning her doctorate in counseling psychology in Indiana.

I also have a Type %#@$! Child. The one who challenges every word I say, knows all of my buttons, and pushes them all day every day. The thing is, she is not trying to push all my buttons. She is just very inquisitive and has a different personality than my firstborn. She asks hundreds of questions per day and loves to talk my ear off, and sometimes I just need some quiet time. And that’s okay. What is not okay is condemning her for who God made her to be. God made her just like she is and I should help her become the best version of herself, not condemn her for being who she is. It is like I am saying God made a mistake and it crushes her.

I love love love Big Life Journal. They have a growth mindset journal for kids and parenting helps and resources to promote healthy emotional children. Sometimes they post things on their IG account that are both cringe-worthy for me to hear and also very necessary for me to hear. One thing that stopped me dead in my tracks was the quote, “When you criticize your kids, they don’t stop loving you. They stop loving themselves.” OUCH!

Have you ever been there? Been the mom who spoke out of her emotions instead of waiting to calm down and instead spoke from a wise, healthy place? Sometimes schedules are packed, stress is high, kids have attitudes, and the wrong words come out. Ooof. And then I have to apologize.

When situations like that happen I have to sit down and figure out what isn’t working. Because something’s definitely broken. We remove things from our schedules, we take a break from each other, we spend more quality time together, we change a routine, we make sure we are in the Word of God, whatever the situation calls for, we do it. Whatever it takes to make sure we have less of those “mouth falling downstairs” moments that I will have to apologize for later.

Also, actually, consider how often you talk to your child. Is it only when they are doing something wrong? If you have a child who has challenges, you can definitely get into a rut like this. But make sure to notice more positive aspects than negative. Look for ways to praise them.

Clinical Psychologist, Dr. Karen Harvey says to provide positive feedback when you notice appropriate behavior. It doesn’t have to be a grand gesture, but a simple acknowledgment of the positive:

Be specific with your praise. Unlabeled praise (Nice work, Excellent, I like that) is fine, but it may not be clear to your child what it is that you are noticing. Instead, tell your child exactly what they’re doing that you like.

Christian author and speaker, Jodie Berndt advises us to:

“Highlight character traits more than accomplishments.

A starting spot on the soccer team or a report card full of A’s may earn peer and teacher approval, but things like patience, wisdom, humility, and perseverance equip a child to flourish in life.”

Praise your child 5 times for every 1 criticism. If all they hear is negative from you, then that is what they will believe about themselves. And when we are talking about criticism, we are talking about facial expressions, body language, tone of voice. It all communicates something to your child either positive or negative.

Of course, you aren’t going to get it perfectly right away. I know I don’t. It takes practice and being purposeful with our words. And even when we feel like you’ve made great progress, you’ll still have those cringeworthy moments where you speak before you catch yourself. Ask for forgiveness, forgive yourself, and try to do better. You will see the fruit of your efforts.

In fact, the way you talk to your children not only impacts them, but it impacts future generations. You have the opportunity to build a legacy or tear down your children and hold them in emotional bondage. All with the power of your words.

There is a quote from Peggy O’Mara that you may have heard: "The Way People Talk to Children Becomes Their Inner Voice."

And the inner voice of those children will impact their future children and so on. Let’s make sure our children have an inner voice that speaks love, purpose, beauty, potential, more positive than negative. Because at the end of the day, we have the power to push our children toward their God-given potential or crush their spirit. Just by our words. And even when they act like they are not listening, they really are. They are listening, believing, internalizing, being molded by the things we say. Let’s build up the next generation with our words, not tear them down.

The Transforming Power of Words in Our Marriage

Words almost destroyed my marriage several years ago. Thankfully, God transformed both my husband and me, so that did not happen.

You see, words have power. Just think about it, how did God create the world? By His Words. With our words, we can tear down our homes, our friendships, our jobs; or we can build them up.

With our words, we bless or we curse.

I was using all the wrong words. I wasn’t doing a whole lot of blessing, but I was doing a lot of cursing and complaining. And I wasn’t doing it intentionally. I didn’t have the awareness of what I was doing. It was only years later as I looked back over my prayer journals and I saw a girl who was focused on the faults of her husband and not really reflecting on her own need for refining.

Part of the issue was that I had not grown up in a household where I saw a healthy marriage. In fact, I really didn't see any type of healthy relationship between family members. I only saw and heard things that would cause hurt. If that is you, I get it. I was there. But you can’t stay in that place. Your marriage won’t make it if you do.

Also, I was pretty prideful. I had more biblical knowledge at that time than my husband. I had tons of head knowledge and not enough heart felt application. I knew “it”, but I didn’t do “it”. So I justified my frustrations with a case of the “if onlys”. You know,

“If only my husband would pray more, things would be better.”

“If only my husband would read his Bible more, I would submit more easily.”

“If only my husband would lead our family like God says then I wouldn’t be so frustrated.”

You see? Wrong words. Even if those things were true, my heart was in the wrong place. I was focusing on the wrong thing.

“If only my husband…..”. Do you ever have “if only’s”?.

I had to put them down. It was so hard, but for the sake of my marriage, I had to put them down. And I had to start submitting in the way that God intended for wives to submit.

The only condition under which wives are not called to submit is when their husband is asking them to do something against God’s Word. PERIOD. At all other times, we are to submit.

And sometimes that isn’t easy.

My wise friend who has been married over three decades said to me one time, “When you don’t submit to your husband, it’s not him you don’t trust. It’s God.” OUCH. Hard to hear, but so true.

What does having a case of the “if only’s”, wishing things were different, have to do with our words?

Well, if we are being prideful and thinking that our husband is the problem, the only problem, is that reflected in our speech?

Do you nag your husband to go to church, or read his Bible, or pray, or tithe? I used to. And, sis, let me tell you, it did absolutely nothing in terms of my husband growing close to the Lord nor did it help my marriage. It only made everything worse.

In fact the Bible says this about a nagging wife.

Proverbs 21:19 Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and nagging wife.

On the other hand, God also talks about what to do if you have a husband that does not make his faith a priority.

That they may be won over WITHOUT A WORD. That means put a lock on it. I can’t tell you how hard that was for me. I was destroying my marriage with my nagging and complaining. I was using all the wrong words. I wanted my husband to grow in spiritual maturity, which is good, but I was going about the wrong way.

Words can give life or they can destroy life.

My words were destroying. I was breaking my husband down just by my words. I was crushing his spirit.

People tend to live up to the expectations placed on them, so if you expect your husband to be a total failure… guess what? That is what he will be.

You want your husband to be a man of God who leads his family well? Start speaking life giving words over him.

Start using the right words instead of the wrong ones. Look for every opportunity to praise him, rebuild the confidence that has been destroyed. Look for every opportunity to submit and praise him for his wise decision making. Stop pointing out his flaws and instead notice the good things he does. Then pray for him. It is not your job to save your husband. Only Jesus can do that. You can make the path a lot easier by being a godly, kind, loving, submissive wife.

I’m not saying these things to judge or condemn. I have been right there with you. Whenever I would nag my husband about growing in his faith or leading our home, our relationship suffered. Every. Single. Time. When I would just be quiet and be kind and pray, he would grow in his faith as God worked on his heart. He would send me a Scripture that was on his heart, he would tithe without being asked, he would share what he was learning in his Bible study.

It probably would not have happened if I had continued speaking terrible things to him… Or about him. Which brings me to my next point. Please do not tear down your husband to other people, or for goodness sake, please don’t post how bad your husband is on social media. I didn’t necessarily talk bad about my husband to others or post about him on social media, but I know wives who have done that to their husbands, and it just doesn’t end well.

I know these women want to feel heard; they are hurting and they have nowhere to turn. That is such a hard place to be. However, it is better for them to seek counseling or seek out a safe Christian woman who can pray with them. There is a better chance of saving the marriage that way. Because let’s be honest, deep down, we love our husbands. Sometimes we do stupid things out of the hurt in our hearts and it always makes things more difficult. I don’t want that for you and neither does God. If you are in a place where your marriage is suffering, maybe you feel like it is hopeless, don’t give up hope!

Remember, sis, our words have power! We don’t have to feel helpless and angry in our marriage. We have the power to initiate positive change. And it all starts with using the right words.

And you can put it to practice today. Pray that God will transform your heart so you can:

Build your husband up with your words. Speak life over him, not curses. Look for ways to praise him. Look for ways to submit to him. Pray for him.

Watch his heart soften. Watch God work. My husband and I will be celebrating 18 years of marriage this year. God restored our marriage and this is the best year yet. Because I finally learned the power of my words. God did it for me and He can do it for you.