It Ran In My Family Until It Ran Into Me

“It ran in my family until it ran into me.” I heard this the other night and it resonated so deeply with me. This perfectly describes the place where I have been for two years. Two years of hard, chain-breaking work. Not me in my own efforts, but God transforming my heart and working through me.

You see, I wasn’t supposed to amount to anything. From the moment I was conceived, I was set up for a painful, dysfunctional life. My biological father, whom I have never met, was a criminal who went around impregnating women and then leaving them. To this day I have no idea how many siblings I actually have. Anyway, my biological mother (pregnant with me) was left without my biological father, mainly because he was in prison. So I was given up for adoption because my biological mother could not care for me on her own. I do not harbor any unforgiveness toward her. God works all things together for good. I did have the opportunity to meet her in person about 15 years ago and she is a wonderful person whom I love very much. She got mixed up with the wrong man and was in a tough spot.

Anyway, I was adopted into a family that was pretty and shiny on the surface. We were wealthy, which gives a

false impression of happiness. If you have a house that is big enough or the newest clothes, cars, shoes, insert any other status symbol here, then you must be happy. It’s kind of like a requirement. How awful would it be to have that much money and not be happy? Yet, that is exactly where so many people with affluence find themselves. Under that picture postcard life was something very dark. I watched my adoptive father struggle with alcoholism and prescription drug addiction. It led to him acting in ways that caused me severe mental and emotional abuse. I saw and had to deal with things that no child should ever have to experience. SO MUCH TRAUMA. We tried to hide what he was doing, but eventually, it seeped out into the community. Public humiliation. I was completely broken. From the moment I had been born, I was bound by the chains of my biological family and now I was bound by the chains of my adoptive family as well. I asked God so many times how I came to be with this family and why couldn’t God send me to a loving family who wouldn’t cause so much hurt. God and I eventually worked all of that out. (I will share more about that another time.) For now, just know that I grew up and I tried to do the best I could in life despite growing up in chaos.

When I was 20, I recommitted my life to God. My life had been such a wreck back then. I was living out of my hurt and making all the wrong choices. When I gave my life over to God, He completely transformed me. He gave me hope and a purpose. Once a college dropout, I now have multiple college degrees and I am striving every day to fulfill my God-given calling. God blessed me with a wonderful husband and beautiful children. We have a thriving, happy family. So you can imagine my bewilderment/resistance/denial/confusion when two years ago, God confronted me about the secret hurts in my heart.

I thought I was doing okay. I loved God and wanted to serve Him any way I could. He had blessed me abundantly and I was really happy. Happier than I ever thought I could be coming from so much brokenness. Then when I was at a conference God spoke some scary words to me.

God: “I want you to forgive your dad and make amends with him.”

Me: “That’s impossible. We are only cordial at best. We have never even talked about the pain that he caused me when I was a child. I wasn’t allowed to talk about it or tell anyone about it. It takes two to tango and I know he won’t want to talk about it, so how can I make amends?”

God: “I can’t use you for what I have called you to do until you deal with this stronghold in your life. I have called you to break the chains of your family’s dysfunction. I placed you in this family to break the cycle.”

Me: “I don’t want to. I buried those hurts so deep because I didn’t want to ever look at them again. Opening them up is going to make me feel the hurt all over again. What if I fall apart?”

God: “It might hurt at first, but you will be set free from this. You have to trust me. I know how deeply you have longed for a true family. I have heard your broken heart cry out to me for so many years. It's time to set things right. Let’s begin that work.”

I resisted just a little longer, but the burden became so great I couldn’t bear it. I knew I had to step out in what God was calling me to do.

This isn’t one of those stories where it all ties up in a pretty bow and everyone lives happily ever after. This was hard, gut-wrenching work. I needed Jesus every single hour of every single day as I summoned the courage to be obedient and confront the generational cycles of dysfunction that had run rampant for so long.

I began trying to discuss the past with my father. He did not want to go there. He was not interested in opening that can of worms nor was he interested in having an authentic relationship with me. He wanted to keep pretending that things were okay when they were not. I had to set serious boundaries with him, letting him know that I was not playing that game anymore. It was over. His response? He cut me off.

For over a year I did not talk to my father. My mother’s heart was broken. She was not angry at me. She knew

that my heart was to have a real, authentic relationship with my dad, not to beat him over the head about his past. I even extended invitations for him to come to our home and we would start things fresh. I told him he was forgiven and we could start anew. Begrudgingly at first, but sincerely as time went on. All during this time, God was changing my heart, softening it. I no longer looked at my dad as a narcissistic abuser. I looked at him as a man who needed Jesus. Who had experienced a life of pain as a child, just as his father had, and his father had, and so on. It just strengthened my resolve. No more. It stops here. I told God I was all in, committed to this cause. I was praying every day. Finally, over a year later, I gave one last-ditch effort to make amends with my father. And this time he was open to it! Since that day he has shown up and made efforts to be a good father like he never has before. In fact, my oldest child, who did not know too much about what was going on (since she was away at college) spent some time with her grandfather and afteward said, “Grandpa is like really good now. Like the best he’s ever been. Did something happen?” Yes, my girl. It did. God took me through the darkness and the pain so I could experience freedom and forgiveness with my father. What I would have lost if I had not been obedient to God. God used me to be a chain breaker for my family. Pain, addiction, and dysfunction ran in. my family until they ran into me.

Make an Impact Monday: World Help

Today's Make an Impact Monday organization is in desperate need of your help. World Help is an organization that gives aid and provides services to countries all over the globe. Right now they are in dire need of funds to help give refugees in Afghanistan food and water. After the Taliban take over, thousands of people are trapped in Afghanistan waiting to be rescued. World Help is working to make sure these people have food and water and whatever else they need to help these refugees survive until they can get home or to a safer place.

Please, please, please consider donating to World Help and let these refugees get support. I know when this first happened, I was wondering what in the world I could do to help. Then I heard what World Help is doing and I was so excited to support them. I had felt defeated, like I couldn't do anything at all to help, but World Help provided me an opportunity to do something.

One of the things I love most about World Help is that they have been certified as a "transparent" non-profit. World Help is an open book when it comes to how they use their donations. You can give to them with confidence, knowing that your support really goes to help those in need. You can go here to donate and I also have a donate option on my Instagram story, so you can just click the link in my story and donate there. Thank you so much for supporting World Help and helping refugees in Afghanistan survive this terrible nightmare they are in.

The Power of Words on Ourselves: 10 Tips to Change a Negative Mindset

Over the last few weeks, we have been focusing on our words. We have talked about the power of words in our marriage, with our children, in our friendships, on the church, and now we are talking about the impact of our words on ourselves.

Ladies, our words wield lots of power. Whether internal dialogue or words spoken out loud in front of the bathroom mirror, the words we speak to ourselves can hold us back or propel us forward. For many of us, our words hold us back. Most women I know struggle with confidence issues at least to some degree. We tend to put ourselves down instead of acknowledging our God-given gifts and strengths. At the very least we don't go after our dreams. We keep them secret. At the extreme, there are issues with eating disorders and self-inflicted wounds. We focus so much on our shortcomings that we never fully realize the purpose for which we have been called. Sometimes we do this because we compare ourselves to other women. Women in magazines, women in our workplace, women in the church. Sometimes we do this because we're trying to make sure God gets the glory and not us. That is not being humble. That is verbally and

mentally abusive to ourselves. We don’t have to portray ourselves as losers in order for Christ to be glorified. It is a good thing to want to make sure God receives the credit that He so deserves, but we need to make sure we do it the right way. The way He intended. Don’t misinterpret John 3:30. It says, “He must become greater; I must become less.” LESS not NOTHING. John didn’t spend a lot of time tearing himself down to make himself less. He just pointed people to the One Who is Greater.

Be mindful of this: God created you for a purpose. He formed your innermost parts, so when you tear yourself down out loud or in your mind, you are insulting God. It is like you are saying He made a mistake with you. He did not. God does not make mistakes. He knows you intimately and He created you to fulfill a purpose here on earth. How exciting is that! That the God who created the planets, the mountains, the oceans, created you… because He knew that the world would need what you have to give. But they’ll never get it if you tear yourself down and are too self-destructive to walk in your purpose.

Yes, it’s wrong to take credit for things that God should receive credit for. It is also wrong to tear yourself down and act like God made a mistake. He made you for a purpose, for His glory. When you focus on yourself and tear yourself down, God’s glory is not able to be seen. Jesus does not ask us to tear ourselves down to make Him greater. He just wants us to point people to Him. This tearing ourselves down is actually a misfocus. It is self-centered. We are focusing on ourselves instead of God. It’s not a matter of having a high self-esteem or low self-esteem. That is all self-focused. It is a matter of knowing who you are in Christ. When we focus on who we are in Christ and submit to what He wants to do through us, then the focus is on Him and His power, not our own. It is prideful, arrogant, and provoking when we do life from the viewpoint that what we do, what we achieve, what we earn on our own establishes our self-worth. It can also be an emotional roller coaster. We aren’t perfect, so with each sin, each misstep, we will be tearing ourselves down, feeling worthless. Only to feel a little more validated and worthy when we accomplish something that we feel deserves praise. How often is that? Once a week? A month? A year? It’s up and down, chaos, an ever-changing value system of worth. It changes day by day, moment by moment. But when we find our worth in Christ, it never changes.

Here’s what is really happening. When we have a low self-esteem (or even a high one for that matter) we are saying that what we think about ourselves is what is true and what God says about us is not. Sometimes we destroy ourselves and sometimes we feel like we are better than others. Both are wrong. As the word indicates self-esteem is about self. That is the problem. Too much self-focus and not enough God focus.

I love Timothy Keller’s book, “The Freedom of Self Forgetfulness.” He says that both high and low self-esteem are sides of the same coin and indicate spiritual sickness. Just think about it. Someone self-centered with an extremely high self-esteem could be considered a narcissist who continually only seeks to have themselves validated at the expense of others. Then there are those with extremely low self-esteem. It always points to some trauma in their life. These people are quite easy to identify because they are typically needy. They can’t give anything because they are bone dry. People who are emotionally healthy can give to others and are not as self-centered. It’s the same thing. When we are hurting we focus on our own needs. It’s all we can see. This kind of self-centered “humility” is not what God is talking about. But when we are emotionally/spiritually healthy we are not focused on ourselves, but on God. Keller says, “The essence of gospel-humility is not thinking more of myself, or thinking less of myself, it is thinking of myself less.” With self-esteem- whether high or low, the focus is on yourself and you are

definitely not able to think of yourself less and God more. When we do focus on God more, something amazing happens: we learn more about who we are. He is our creator and speaks truth to us and about us. When we seek Him we find ourselves. C.S. Lewis said it perfectly, “Put first things first and we get second things thrown in; put second things first and we lose both first and second things.” When we put God first, we find ourselves. When we put ourselves first, we lose both God and ourselves. Not only does negative self-talk keep us from having a deep relationship with God and walking in the purpose for which we have been called, but it also has a few other unfortunate side effects as well. Negative self-talk causes physical and mental health issues. It can cause digestive issues, lack of energy, difficulty sleeping, anxiety, depression. It blocks your creativity and motivation. It makes you feel frozen in a place of confusion and doubt. Negative self-talk makes it very difficult to take steps forward and takes risks and limits your progress. You cannot grow spiritually or personally if you continually beat yourself down. Negative self-talk sets you up to accept relationships that are unhealthy. When you speak negatively to yourself you walk into poor relationships that you think you “deserve”, which just causes more trauma and need for healing. It causes you to accept less than God’s best for you. We become what we think about ourselves. If we have a low view of ourselves, our identity will be rooted in negative untruths instead of the beautiful truth of God’s Word. This negative mindset has to end. But how?

Here are some ways to stop the negative self-dialogue and start owning who Christ called you to be.

1. Take every thought captive. - 2 Corinthians. 10:5

2. Realize that it is a tactic of Satan and call him out. It’s not you speaking truth to yourself, it is Satan speaking lies. This isn’t just part of life. It is spiritual warfare. - Ephesians. 6:12

3. Only let the good stuff in. – books, movies, social media, music; Get rid of anything that is stealing your joy. - Philippians 4:8

4. Deeply and truly know God’s Word, His voice, know what He says about you. – John 10:27 & 1 Peter 2:9

5. Distance yourself from Toxic people. -Romans 16:17

6. Make peace with your past. Let go and look to the future. - Isaiah 43:18-19

7. Don’t give up, keep trying. - 2 Timothy 4:7

8. Get external help where necessary. Counseling, Celebrate Recovery, other Christ-centered support groups. - Proverbs 24:6

9. Pray constantly for God’s help in overcoming this issue. Have your prayer warriors unite with you over this bondage. - 1 Thessalonians. 5:16 & Ecclesiastes. 4:12

10. Spend time in God’s Word EVERY DAY, committing His word to memory. - Proverbs 4:20-22

Friends, that feeling of worthlessness and failure that you have in you is not from God. He does not desire for you to feel that way. It's time to lay it down and guard our minds with God's truth. Let’s consider whether we are using our words toward ourselves and others the way God intended. When you get rid of this negative mindset and instead fill your mind with things that God actually said, you will see more victories. Mainly because you aren't counting yourself out before you begin. Let's use the power of our words to speak truth and life over ourselves, not death and defeat.

<3 Heather