This post is hitting me hard. I have lost it more than a time or two on my kids. Most of the time it was under extreme stress, but that doesn't make it okay. I have learned to be more cautious with words toward my children and I have seen the fruit from it.
As parents, we know all the Bible verses about how children are supposed to obey their parents so they will have a long life and be blessed. However, I think a lot of us tend to skip past Ephesians 6:4 which says, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” I love the amplified version of this. It says, “ Fathers do not provoke your children to anger {do not exasperate them to the point of resentment with demands that are trivial or unreasonable or humiliating or abusive; nor by showing favoritism or indifference to any of them}, but bring them up [tenderly, with loving kindness] in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
Whew! That is a serious calling on parents! Even if we don’t do it intentionally, we may cause our children to feel hurt or damage their confidence or self-esteem by our words and actions. The thing is, we have to check ourselves and humble ourselves and not take lightly when these types of incidents occur.
Our words have the power to make our kids or break our kids. Even though our kids can often be challenging, disrespectful, or make the wrong choices (ummm don’t we as adults do that too?), we are still called as parents to lead them in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. We are called to bring them closer to Jesus, not push them further away. And this goes for the most challenging kid as it does the near-perfect kid.
I have been on both sides of the parenting spectrum. I have a Type A, obedient, driven child who needs little correction. She is now earning her doctorate in counseling psychology in Indiana.
I also have a Type %#@$! Child. The one who challenges every word I say, knows all of my buttons, and pushes them all day every day. The thing is, she is not trying to push all my buttons. She is just very inquisitive and has a different personality than my firstborn. She asks hundreds of questions per day and loves to talk my ear off, and sometimes I just need some quiet time. And that’s okay. What is not okay is condemning her for who God made her to be. God made her just like she is and I should help her become the best version of herself, not condemn her for being who she is. It is like I am saying God made a mistake and it crushes her.
I love love love Big Life Journal. They have a growth mindset journal for kids and parenting helps and resources to promote healthy emotional children. Sometimes they post things on their IG account that are both cringe-worthy for me to hear and also very necessary for me to hear. One thing that stopped me dead in my tracks was the quote, “When you criticize your kids, they don’t stop loving you. They stop loving themselves.” OUCH!
Have you ever been there? Been the mom who spoke out of her emotions instead of waiting to calm down and instead spoke from a wise, healthy place? Sometimes schedules are packed, stress is high, kids have attitudes, and the wrong words come out. Ooof. And then I have to apologize.
When situations like that happen I have to sit down and figure out what isn’t working. Because something’s definitely broken. We remove things from our schedules, we take a break from each other, we spend more quality time together, we change a routine, we make sure we are in the Word of God, whatever the situation calls for, we do it. Whatever it takes to make sure we have less of those “mouth falling downstairs” moments that I will have to apologize for later.
Also, actually, consider how often you talk to your child. Is it only when they are doing something wrong? If you have a child who has challenges, you can definitely get into a rut like this. But make sure to notice more positive aspects than negative. Look for ways to praise them.
Clinical Psychologist, Dr. Karen Harvey says to provide positive feedback when you notice appropriate behavior. It doesn’t have to be a grand gesture, but a simple acknowledgment of the positive:
Be specific with your praise. Unlabeled praise (Nice work, Excellent, I like that) is fine, but it may not be clear to your child what it is that you are noticing. Instead, tell your child exactly what they’re doing that you like.
Christian author and speaker, Jodie Berndt advises us to:
“Highlight character traits more than accomplishments.
A starting spot on the soccer team or a report card full of A’s may earn peer and teacher approval, but things like patience, wisdom, humility, and perseverance equip a child to flourish in life.”
Praise your child 5 times for every 1 criticism. If all they hear is negative from you, then that is what they will believe about themselves. And when we are talking about criticism, we are talking about facial expressions, body language, tone of voice. It all communicates something to your child either positive or negative.
Of course, you aren’t going to get it perfectly right away. I know I don’t. It takes practice and being purposeful with our words. And even when we feel like you’ve made great progress, you’ll still have those cringeworthy moments where you speak before you catch yourself. Ask for forgiveness, forgive yourself, and try to do better. You will see the fruit of your efforts.
In fact, the way you talk to your children not only impacts them, but it impacts future generations. You have the opportunity to build a legacy or tear down your children and hold them in emotional bondage. All with the power of your words.
There is a quote from Peggy O’Mara that you may have heard: "The Way People Talk to Children Becomes Their Inner Voice."
And the inner voice of those children will impact their future children and so on. Let’s make sure our children have an inner voice that speaks love, purpose, beauty, potential, more positive than negative. Because at the end of the day, we have the power to push our children toward their God-given potential or crush their spirit. Just by our words. And even when they act like they are not listening, they really are. They are listening, believing, internalizing, being molded by the things we say. Let’s build up the next generation with our words, not tear them down.
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