“It ran in my family until it ran into me.” I heard this the other night and it resonated so deeply with me. This perfectly describes the place where I have been for two years. Two years of hard, chain-breaking work. Not me in my own efforts, but God transforming my heart and working through me.
You see, I wasn’t supposed to amount to anything. From the moment I was conceived, I was set up for a painful, dysfunctional life. My biological father, whom I have never met, was a criminal who went around impregnating women and then leaving them. To this day I have no idea how many siblings I actually have. Anyway, my biological mother (pregnant with me) was left without my biological father, mainly because he was in prison. So I was given up for adoption because my biological mother could not care for me on her own. I do not harbor any unforgiveness toward her. God works all things together for good. I did have the opportunity to meet her in person about 15 years ago and she is a wonderful person whom I love very much. She got mixed up with the wrong man and was in a tough spot.
Anyway, I was adopted into a family that was pretty and shiny on the surface. We were wealthy, which gives a
false impression of happiness. If you have a house that is big enough or the newest clothes, cars, shoes, insert any other status symbol here, then you must be happy. It’s kind of like a requirement. How awful would it be to have that much money and not be happy? Yet, that is exactly where so many people with affluence find themselves. Under that picture postcard life was something very dark. I watched my adoptive father struggle with alcoholism and prescription drug addiction. It led to him acting in ways that caused me severe mental and emotional abuse. I saw and had to deal with things that no child should ever have to experience. SO MUCH TRAUMA. We tried to hide what he was doing, but eventually, it seeped out into the community. Public humiliation. I was completely broken. From the moment I had been born, I was bound by the chains of my biological family and now I was bound by the chains of my adoptive family as well. I asked God so many times how I came to be with this family and why couldn’t God send me to a loving family who wouldn’t cause so much hurt. God and I eventually worked all of that out. (I will share more about that another time.) For now, just know that I grew up and I tried to do the best I could in life despite growing up in chaos.
When I was 20, I recommitted my life to God. My life had been such a wreck back then. I was living out of my hurt and making all the wrong choices. When I gave my life over to God, He completely transformed me. He gave me hope and a purpose. Once a college dropout, I now have multiple college degrees and I am striving every day to fulfill my God-given calling. God blessed me with a wonderful husband and beautiful children. We have a thriving, happy family. So you can imagine my bewilderment/resistance/denial/confusion when two years ago, God confronted me about the secret hurts in my heart.
I thought I was doing okay. I loved God and wanted to serve Him any way I could. He had blessed me abundantly and I was really happy. Happier than I ever thought I could be coming from so much brokenness. Then when I was at a conference God spoke some scary words to me.
God: “I want you to forgive your dad and make amends with him.”
Me: “That’s impossible. We are only cordial at best. We have never even talked about the pain that he caused me when I was a child. I wasn’t allowed to talk about it or tell anyone about it. It takes two to tango and I know he won’t want to talk about it, so how can I make amends?”
God: “I can’t use you for what I have called you to do until you deal with this stronghold in your life. I have called you to break the chains of your family’s dysfunction. I placed you in this family to break the cycle.”
Me: “I don’t want to. I buried those hurts so deep because I didn’t want to ever look at them again. Opening them up is going to make me feel the hurt all over again. What if I fall apart?”
God: “It might hurt at first, but you will be set free from this. You have to trust me. I know how deeply you have longed for a true family. I have heard your broken heart cry out to me for so many years. It's time to set things right. Let’s begin that work.”
I resisted just a little longer, but the burden became so great I couldn’t bear it. I knew I had to step out in what God was calling me to do.
This isn’t one of those stories where it all ties up in a pretty bow and everyone lives happily ever after. This was hard, gut-wrenching work. I needed Jesus every single hour of every single day as I summoned the courage to be obedient and confront the generational cycles of dysfunction that had run rampant for so long.
I began trying to discuss the past with my father. He did not want to go there. He was not interested in opening that can of worms nor was he interested in having an authentic relationship with me. He wanted to keep pretending that things were okay when they were not. I had to set serious boundaries with him, letting him know that I was not playing that game anymore. It was over. His response? He cut me off.
For over a year I did not talk to my father. My mother’s heart was broken. She was not angry at me. She knew
that my heart was to have a real, authentic relationship with my dad, not to beat him over the head about his past. I even extended invitations for him to come to our home and we would start things fresh. I told him he was forgiven and we could start anew. Begrudgingly at first, but sincerely as time went on. All during this time, God was changing my heart, softening it. I no longer looked at my dad as a narcissistic abuser. I looked at him as a man who needed Jesus. Who had experienced a life of pain as a child, just as his father had, and his father had, and so on. It just strengthened my resolve. No more. It stops here. I told God I was all in, committed to this cause. I was praying every day. Finally, over a year later, I gave one last-ditch effort to make amends with my father. And this time he was open to it! Since that day he has shown up and made efforts to be a good father like he never has before. In fact, my oldest child, who did not know too much about what was going on (since she was away at college) spent some time with her grandfather and afteward said, “Grandpa is like really good now. Like the best he’s ever been. Did something happen?” Yes, my girl. It did. God took me through the darkness and the pain so I could experience freedom and forgiveness with my father. What I would have lost if I had not been obedient to God. God used me to be a chain breaker for my family. Pain, addiction, and dysfunction ran in. my family until they ran into me.
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