My friends will tell you that I am the most welcoming person they know. I don’t say that in arrogance, but in complete awareness of myself. You see, there is such a thing as being too welcoming, being too friendly. My “welcoming” personality has gotten me in a lot of trouble. A LOT. I think the worst situation was when I was having a fall festival at my house and I invited some strangers… er acquaintances to my party. They seemed really nice THE ONE OTHER TIME I MET THEM…. Hindsight is so 20/20.
Well……they turned out to be drug-using, advantage-taking, f-bomb dropping people that didn’t leave until midnight when everyone else left at 10:00. That is NOT what I had expected, but honestly, the fault was mine. I did not set appropriate boundaries with them at the start. I can’t tell you how many times this has happened. I have even had multiple people try to move in with me for free. I finally had enough. SO I came up with friendship levels to protect myself from others, but more realistically, to protect myself from myself. They have helped me tremendously and I hope they help you.
Level 1: Strangers and Acquaintances
These are people you do not know at all or barely know. They are not pouring into your life or having deep conversations with you. You are trying to see if these people are compatible with you in order to take your friendship to the next level. These are the people you meet at coffee houses, restaurants, parks, etc. DO NOT invite these people into your home, at least one on one. They have not earned that right yet. As you get to know these people, you can cut ties if needed without too much awkwardness or you can bump them up to Level 2 if things are going well.
Level 2: Outer Friend Group and Mentees
These are the people you are getting to know but don’t know that well yet. They aren’t strangers, but you wouldn’t share your deepest secrets with them yet. Once again, they have not earned that right. These are also people that you may be mentoring or discipling. You might be able to speak into their life, but they may not really be able to reciprocate, so don’t expect it. You can do all the things you would do with a stranger and you can invite them to your house, but you need to make sure the parameters are set. Let them know if they need to bring anything and also let them know how long they can stay. For example, “Would you like to come over and swim around lunchtime? I have to start preparing dinner at 4:00, but you can stay until then.” If they come over and respect your boundaries then you can invite them over again. If they do not respect your boundaries, they go back down to Level 1, meeting at a public place. If they continue along Level 2 and things are going well, you may bump them up to the last level, Level 3.
Level 3: Inner Circle of Friends
These are the people who truly know you, who have Refrigerator Rights. When I say Refrigerator Rights, I mean they could come over, go to your fridge, and get a drink or snack without even asking you. You are that close. You can have hard conversations with each other and are there to lift each other up when you are struggling. These are the people you do life with, vacation with, watch your kids grow with. In a perfect world, your Level 3 friends always stay Level 3, but sometimes life happens and they might slip back down. It happens. They may go back up to Level 3 at some point. Just give it time.
Anyway, I hope this helps you as it has helped me. I have very healthy boundaries when it comes to friendship, and as a result, I have developed some of the best friendships I have ever had in my life. Praying God’s blessings for you!
<3 Heather
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